I don't really have a horrible date story myself, so today's post is brought to you by the lovely Laura, who has one of the funniest stories I've ever heard. So, I asked if she'd share it with y'all here. Without further ado...
The MeetWe have mutual friends so talked for a while at a party one night-- I hear he's nice, great guy, etc., so I give him my number. Why not?
He calls me several times the next week or so and wants to "hang out." Excuse me? You don't ask a girl to "hang out"-- you ask her to dinner. I decided until he asked me to dinner I was going to make excuses why I couldn't see him and not settle for anything less. Ultimately, he got a clue and asked me to dinner.
The DateThe night we are supposed to go out, he calls to ask where I want to go. I have to pick?? Already things are not looking promising.
He picks me up, and the dude didn't bother to get his car washed or even clean the junk out of it. I think I saw a small life raft and a mannequin back there. Seriously. Come on... first dates are about putting your best foot forward and his best foot was buried in the piles of crap in that Tahoe. Also, one of the headlights kept popping out and he had to get out and pop it back in. Yep.
We finally get to the restaurant and I ask him the usual questions (about his job, family, school, etc.) Here's a brief re-cap of what I got.
1. His job-- He's a lawyer that works freelance, and if you want to know how much he makes in a year, feel free to ask me because he actually told me.
2. His family-- He has four siblings, and they are all 2 years apart. He would not tell me his age, just that he's 2 years younger than his 40 year old brother, "so I should be able to figure out the math." Ummm... so you're 38? And you won't tell me because...??
3. I ask him about his sisters and if they have kids, etc. He doesn't know if his sisters are even married or even where they live because he hasn't talked to them in 20 years. I didn't want to pry, but I had to ask if they had a falling out. Nope, they just never had much in common and lost touch. What?? My brother likes hunting and being outside and we still talk to each other.
1. It's in the ghettoooooo. (Insert song here.) Seriously. Chipping stucco, roof tiles falling off, gunshots in the window kind of ghetto.
2. I thought maybe the inside would be better. I've seen people turn crappy places into a cute, nice place to live. No such luck. His sofa looked like it came from the curb on large item pick up day ten years ago. I have to sit around stains the size of Texas. There is also a huge fish tank, which is empty and dirty. And there are papers everywhere.
3. Two cats. Surprisingly, the apartment did not have a foul odor often associated with felines and litter boxes. But, I was wearing black pants, and one of the cats was white. Gross.
4. He did have a flatscreen the size of the jumbo screens at Cowboys Stadium. I see he has his priorities in order.
We leave and go meet his friends, and it turns out I know almost all of them. Why did they not warn me! As the date ends I'm already sure I will not be going out with him again. But apparently he has a different idea...
The AftermathThe next day he calls me, but of course I don't answer. He leaves a voice mail then multiple texts when I don't respond to said voice mail immediately. This repeats Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, (not Wednesday-- I get a break that day), Thursday, and Friday. I never respond. Then, I run into him Friday when we're incidentally at the same place.
He follows me around that whole night, and when I leave with a group of friends, he sends me a text: "Can yhou be honest with me? Why did you ignor me all night?" (Someone was drunk or can't spell. I'm going for can't spell.)
My response: "I think you are a great guy (haha), and I had a good time getting to know you (good as in you are giving me fodder for a great story to tell), but I'm just out of a relationship and it's a little too much too soon (if I really liked you I would be ecstatic you were calling me)."
His reply: "That's is one of the most BS things I have ever heard. (yes, you are right, it was) you don't know me at all (yeah, you won't even tell me how old you are). Too much? A date and saying hello at a function too much?"
Me: "This is exactly my point. At this time in my life I don't want a guy calling me every day and expecting things from me. Yes. It's to much for me right now. I should NOT have to be dealing with this after going out once."
Him: "I did not call you every day - weird you would even say that." (REALLY!? Do you WANT me to screen shot my call log? It's LITERALLY every day with missed calls from you. Okay, you didn't call me Wednesday-- I guess that's what you meant by not calling me every day.)
Me: "Not going to argue... night." But I couldn't resist -- I screen shot the call log and proved him wrong. Never heard from him again-- guess that screen shot ended our short tryst.
My dating life now? I'm dating an amazing guy in the same group. Ha! Don't worry ladies... sometimes you DO have to go on dates with the toads to find the prince. I'm a perfect example!